You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So much rum. So many feels.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
