Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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