so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
