I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
