The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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