You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
