Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
