I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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