I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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