I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
