I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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