This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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