you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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