he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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