I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
