Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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