so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
