I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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