Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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