I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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