There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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