Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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