Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
