i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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