Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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