4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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