The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
