I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
