god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We're too hungover to prance.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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