When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
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I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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