just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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