I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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