hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
