I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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