Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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