Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
