he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
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Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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