I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
