Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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