remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
