where am i from again
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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