Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
false alarm. still invincible.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
