I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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