I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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