haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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