Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
