but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
