you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
