i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
