he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
