woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I want her autograph on my taint
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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