Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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