Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
