Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
