Already got asked if we're dating
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
