Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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