It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
