I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
